BlackMan Time » Relationships http://www.blackmantime.com Cultural thoughts, opinions, views, issues Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:23:33 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc My Cheating Partner! http://www.blackmantime.com/my-cheating-partner.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/my-cheating-partner.htm#comments Sat, 05 Dec 2009 19:22:26 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2848 The Tiger Woods story has spawned a huge number of discussions about infidelity and the reason why people in relationships cheat. The topic has basically split the sexes with men saying women cheat just as men and women saying men are serial cheaters. It is a veritable battle! Maybe this is why they call relationships between man and woman “battle of the sexes”.

Some people do not need a reason to cheat: they will cheat any time the opportunity arise. The temptations are always going to come and the weak, most humans, will succumb if not be tempted by it.

Relationships that aren’t strong enough or where the foundations are already shaky, are most vulnerable to crumble. It is irrelevant whose fault it is, man or woman because when one unite in marriage or such like it’s no longer two people anymore: it is just a oneness. Thus if one person in this union has strayed then the entire relationship is failing.

It is commonly assumed that love can sustain a relationship and prevent people from straying or looking outside for extra-curricular pleasure.

But human beings come with built-in failings like lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride and vanity which makes them forever susceptible to temptation. Is it any wonder many people remain rather than risk a cheating partner in marriage?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/my-cheating-partner.htm/feed 0 Tanking The Tiger! http://www.blackmantime.com/tanking-the-tiger.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/tanking-the-tiger.htm#comments Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:44:32 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2846 Everybody’s got an opinion on the Tiger Woods story. Women are angry that yet another proof that men are no good has been uncovered and are pouring over evidence that the world’s greatest golfer has apparently been caught cheating on his wife. What you expect from a man called ‘Tiger Wood’, they say…

Men are surprised that Tiger, whose real name is actually Eldrick Tont Woods, has been caught out like that. He was nicknamed “Tiger” after Vuong Dang Phong, a Vietnamese soldier who was a good friend of his father. They’re sad for him (that he got caught) but shoot him an admiring “way to go Tiger!” from the other side of their face. But, is this really the way to go?

The controversy has split the sexes. Among the big debates I’ve heard within the media and happening in the corridors and restaurants of some work places my friends work at, are discussions about why men cheat on their wives or girlfriends. A couple friends have been more forthright and say all men cheat.

Women naturally siding with Tiger’s wife Elin who has remained silent but as an increasing number of women keep popping up to reveal details of their alleged affairs with the world’s most successful athlete, you wonder if their marriage will be strong enough to cope.

Why do you think men cheat on their wives and/or vice versa?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/tanking-the-tiger.htm/feed 0 Your Guide To Loving Me! http://www.blackmantime.com/your-guide-to-loving-me.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/your-guide-to-loving-me.htm#comments Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:22:33 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2842 I’ve been asked the question: “what do you like in a woman?” so many times that I thought I’d just put these thoughts down and see what happens. Unfortunately, I do not have a menu or list of requirements.

Things like big house, posh car, bags of money, fame, etc., are just material things. I tend to know more what could be a problem for me but if I like someone enough I’m willing to make the necessary sacrifice to make it work.

I like women who have the humility to understand that you don’t need to win every battle that it’s OK to hold your tongue or action if that’s required to make peace reign in a relationship.

I also love women who understand that a man will sometimes make mistakes or fail to interpret their actions and when he does he deserves another chance and/or respect for his ignorance. He should not to be castigated or thrown away with the bath water just because he didn’t “get you” at the first attempt.

Children

Women who already have children but yet find themselves single sometimes worry if they’ll find someone who will love both them and their offsprings. If a person truly love you then they’ll learn to love even your dog (and cat!) under the cellar or that relationship stands no chance of starting let alone surviving.

A woman who is brave enough to tell me exactly what she wants from me scores the biggest because many seem to think they should keep this piece of information in some darkened place where no man can see it. I once asked a woman to show me how to love her and she replied: “That’s not my place to tell you that. You should just know.”

Even if this was the case a little help would not hurt at all! Having grown up listening to music where the singer croons things like: “show me where to hold and touch you cos when it comes to loving I’m alright” I thought it was universally understood that we can and should teach each other about ourselves. After all we know ourselves better than anyone else.

But maybe some people see love as a kind of puzzle that you have to unravel piece by piece, clue by clue, until you finally stumble onto the solution. Why should it be this way? I just think we should learn to trust someone enough to be open with them or just leave them alone because it maybe that you’re just not ready to start a relationship with anyone. Or, at the very least, not with that person.

Emotional Slaughter

Some people fear or hate being alone and feel they’ve got to have a relationship by any means necessary yet have not moved on emotionally or sufficiently from their last one (or few!) relationships. This is so unfair on any new prospective partners because you are almost certainly tainting any new relationship with the negative chi of the past one(s).

A person who constantly talks about a past relationship in glowing terms or even tells you that “my ex was the best relationship I’ve ever had” just doesn’t realise what psychological damage they’re doing to a prospective relationship by putting pressure on a new one. If that ex was so great why is s/he an ex? I’m sure there’s more to be said on this topic but I’ll save it for another time. Or just click here to ask me directly.

In the end I dont have all the answers and I’m just a man willing to learn from my mistakes and the example of others. I don’t venture into relationships very easily and I try to be honest when I do.

I try not to play games with people’s emotions and tend to lay my cards out on the table once a relationship has reached a certain point where this will be respected. All anyone can ask or expect is the same courtesy to be shown and given.

Is this too much to ask?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/your-guide-to-loving-me.htm/feed 0 Chasing A Moving Target http://www.blackmantime.com/chasing-a-moving-target.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/chasing-a-moving-target.htm#comments Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:56:12 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2840 Don’t you just love it in the movies when a couple splits up in a scene where the woman tearfully walks away from the man after saying dialogue such as: “I love you but…you’ve upset me. And now I must go. Goodbye and don’t try to stop me…”

He initially tries feably to stop her but seeing how determined she is to leave, he just sighs resignedly in a gesture that says: “aw, well…” Then he turns and goes about his previous business, thinking about what just happened there…

Some time later he runs into the woman again. They strike up a conversation which is initially awkward but after a while they fall back into a groove.

At a key point he says what’s really on his mind: “Why did you run off like that?” She replies something likeo: “I just wanted to see if you would run after me.”

The question I’m asking is why do women manipulate situations like that? Why is it so important to test a man this way? What does the “run after me” part mean to a woman?

It just seem so unnecessary and pointless from a man’s perspective…

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/chasing-a-moving-target.htm/feed 0 Thou Shalt Date Black Girls! http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-date-black-girls.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-date-black-girls.htm#comments Wed, 13 May 2009 07:19:04 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2732 Of all the women on planet earth available to be desired, loved and cherished, the black woman is easily the most sensitive! This is particularly pertinent when the subjects of sex, race, slavery and skin colour preference are under discussion.

One has to walk gingerly, as if on eggshells or in the china shop, around these topics and cannot charge in like the proverbial bull!

Nearly 20 years ago DJ Buju Banton discovered this to his peril when he released “Love Mi Browning” – a song that spoke of his love for light-skin women. Big mistake – who told him to do that?

The song enjoyed great success for the then 20 year old Buju. But, most significantly, it angered Black women who felt aggrieved that he was promoting a colonial mentality by inferring black women was less desirable.

Browning

It didn’t matter to black women that the lyrics – “love mi car, love mi bike, love mi money an’ ting, but most of all mi love mi browning…” – were light and whimsical; the damage had already been done. Many thousands of black women were up in arms and woe betides any man who does that!

To win back their affection Buju had to record a follow up record, aptly titled “Love Black Woman“. The tune was similarly successful and black women gloried in its sentiment as they were celebrated to the highest heights. It’s not known what women of other colour thought though…

This story hightlights what happened yesterday when I wrote of dating white women. One black woman took exception to the words: “At some stages in my past I would date only black women because it was singularly hassle-free compared with the alternative of dating white girls…”

Personality

This woman removed herself from my Facebook, aggrieved that I did not say I loved black woman because of the shared cultural and spiritual experience. But, since I had already said I loved women based on their personality, I didn’t really feel the need to highlight particular personality traits as well.

It should have been obvious that as a man of African-Caribbean decent my preference would naturally be for a woman who shares the same racial and cultural characteristics as my mother and the mother of my only child. But no, by omitting to say this, just like in Buju’s “Love Mi Browning” example above, it inferred a preference for white women, apparently.

In fact the truth, as I explained yesterday, remains that even though I prefer a black woman, I still maintain that colour is not my main criteria when deciding who I should love.

Now, who’s ready to fling that second stone?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-date-black-girls.htm/feed 0 Thou Shalt Not Date White Girls! http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-not-date-whit-girls.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-not-date-whit-girls.htm#comments Tue, 12 May 2009 07:00:21 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2728 Some people would prefer if I declare my love only for black women, but the fact is my love stretches far beyond the boundary of colour. Race, religion, tribe, culture, class, language and nationality are still no barrier. What I’m really attracted to when I think about loving someone is their personality.

At some stages in my past I would date only black women because it was singularly hassle-free compared with the alternative of dating white girls. But even when I dated black girls it was a problem!

If I dated a non Jamaican, my Jamaican crew would screw. “Why you checking a Dominican gal?” they would ask. “Because she’s a great woman,” I’d respond. Then they’d kiss their teeth indignantly and ask God to forgive me.

Betrayal

If I ever made the “mistake” of dating an African or a Muslim, the same kind of hell would break loose! I’d have both Africans and Muslims up in arms! A similar dynamic happened when it came to dating white girls. Nuff black girls would cuss and diss you among their friends, while trying to seduce you at the first opportunity, behind your white girlfriend’s back.

The strongest opposition usually came from people who somehow felt I was betraying the race for dating white girls. I understood the frustration they obviously felt: how could I fraternize with a race that in the past enslaved and subjugated us to all manner of injustices, etc. The simplest answer is I don’t fraternize with a race if I date a white girl; I just date that particular individual.

I know within each race hatred forms an essential part of the make-up because someone somewhere will always want to project their own prejudices onto you. If you reject their chosen path for you then, as far as they’re concerned, you’re a traitor! It doesn’t strike them as particularly hypocritical the fact that they themselves have white friends; they’re more concerned about you dating them.

Tumble Weed

If you ever venture into certain redneck parts of town where “hardcore” whites hangout then as soon as you walk into the bar with your white girlfriend on your arm, everything goes quiet. Suddenly you feel the glare of nuff pair of eyes digging into you.

Maybe a sudden gush of wind blows a tumble weed across the room! If you managed to get out alive and they warm to you, you may occasionally get an: “I don’t really like black people you know but he’s alright.” And that’s a compliment…

The hatred works both ways but if the relationship is true then it bonds an interracial couple closer, united by their common love for each other. It is natural to love your race above all others first, but if you choose to date outside your race that is your prerogative. Each person have this right to love who they choose but far too often they let the prejudices of society pen them into a little corner.

There, I’ve said it! Now, who’s ready to fling the first stone?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/thou-shalt-not-date-whit-girls.htm/feed 0 Changing Winds http://www.blackmantime.com/changing-winds.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/changing-winds.htm#comments Sun, 19 Apr 2009 22:59:15 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2660 You know when your environment has changed, particularly if you’ve been enjoying it just the way it is for a period of time. Maybe you can’t always put your finger on why but you just get this hunch things have changed.

Maybe someone has assured you they will do something and convinced you they will do it by a certain date so now you sit back and wait for them to deliver by that date…

Maybe you’ve been in the throes of a relationship or the beginnings of one and suddenly you don’t talk as much to that person. The pattern you had both set up in communicating has somehow changed…

Maybe you were bowled over by a new partner and initially you spend as much time with them as possible. Then you learnt something off-putting about them, before deciding to back off to sit this dance out!

All these things are possible and our sixth sense picks up on them to let us know which direction the wind is blowing. Somewhere within the mind there lodges the possibility you could be wrong. It is totally possible.

But then again if you are suspecting something has changed and debating it with yourself, this in itself is a new departure and should also tell you something has in fact changed. Best to put up a windbreaker or risk being blown away?

Is that a tough question to answer?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/changing-winds.htm/feed 0 The Way How It Is! http://www.blackmantime.com/the-way-how-it-is.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/the-way-how-it-is.htm#comments Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:59:21 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2646 You know how it always is in relationship dynamics. You meet someone, you get to like someone, they get to like you. Something happens to make you question the relationship. You have a fall out. You make up but something is just not the same about it.

The person you like meet someone else in the meantime, only they’ve not told you about this! Or maybe they’ve decided to date other people in the meantime. No point putting all their eggs in one basket! Maybe you’ve met someone else too but you’ve just said anything either!

So the both of you lumber on being friends but now you’re both in different places, focussing on different things. Prior to this you seemingly were focussing on similar things and the future sounded like a delicious promise you were both going to share together. Now, it sounds and feels more like you’re separate individuals.

Isn’t this how it is in life sometimes?

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/the-way-how-it-is.htm/feed 0 Have You Got A Gorgeous Mind? http://www.blackmantime.com/have-you-got-a-gorgeous-mind.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/have-you-got-a-gorgeous-mind.htm#comments Sat, 11 Apr 2009 23:59:04 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2627 Having a gorgeous mind means thinking about someone else before yourself. It means wondering if someone close to you would like a cup of tea and then making them one, without them asking!

It means looking out for their best interest, maybe even offering to pick something up from the shop for them just because you’re passing that way.

Having a gorgeous mind means thinking how you can be the best for someone else without thinking how you are going to benefit from doing so.

It means being sincere in your relationships with people, not thinking selfishly. It means showing respect, sometimes even when none should be shown to ungrateful and/or undeserved people. It means giving your more even if you will receive your less.

It means being the best you can be for your fellow human being. It means repeating the exercise even when someone else takes credit for your effort or it is thrown back into your face.

Ultimately having a gorgeous mind means recognising and understanding that there’s a spiritual force much greater than yourself without whom you would not even live…

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]]> http://www.blackmantime.com/have-you-got-a-gorgeous-mind.htm/feed 0 Following Instincts! http://www.blackmantime.com/following-instincts.htm http://www.blackmantime.com/following-instincts.htm#comments Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:59:19 +0000 BlackMan http://www.blackmantime.com/?p=2557 It’s never a good idea to burn bridges behind you because you never know when you might need to cross those bridges again sometime in the future.

At the time you were busy setting those bridges alight you were not really all that bothered about tomorrow: the thing uppermost in your mind was how you felt at that time.

Blinded by rage, anger or some other extreme emotion, we tend not to see common sense and cut off our nose to spoil our own faces. Who hasn’t done that at some point or other?

I had a situation where I’d actually burnt a particular bridge down and would you believe it the situation arrived where I needed to cross that bridge again. So what did I do? I faced the situation head on and apologised for my previous behaviour.

The other party was so glad I had actually apologised they not only forgave me but now the friendship has found new strength!

Sometimes you really shouldn’t listen to supposedly wise sayings. It’s best to follow your own instincts too!

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